Washington I
The Mountain is Fear
“Fear will never change the fundamental structures of your heart.” - Rev Timothy Keller
In life, the buildup can be worse than the event. So overcome by emotion, the unknown can turn the truth into fiction; through humanity’s ability to misuse one of our greatest assets, our imagination.
One Sunday in September of 2018, a friend of mine approached me with an observation, “Well we aren’t getting any younger.” This observation clearly had intent by referring to his desire to climb and summit one of North America’s most beautiful and challenging mountains, Mount Rainier. It is the second highest peak in the intercontinental United States, full of glaciers and alternate routes all depending on the weather, time of year, and snowfall. It is also an active volcano, last erupted in 1894. In June, temperatures at night can drop below zero. Of the ten thousand people who have made an attempt to summit, less than half don’t make it, and at least four hundred of those have died. Most recently in 2011 when one person fell seventy-five feet into a crevasse. Lastly, don’t forget about avalanches, hypothermia, altitude sickness, and despite freezing temperatures the risk of sun exposure to your face and eyes which can result in severe burns and blindness.
Tempting, right? Well my friend’s observation was enough for me.
However, despite all potential calamities, my struggle came mostly with the buildup than the climb. Why? Because I’m human. And for most humans, our emotions tend to be based outside of reality.
The preparations started in September for a climb taking place in late June. First came the money, which gave me hesitation. But the down payment was paid on time. However, months later, we made our big ‘donation to the cause’ to officially lock us in. However, we still had to rent and/or buy equipment necessary for the climb. Since I didn’t grow up hanging off the side of a massive glacier, I needed to purchase most of the requirements. Plus, training, travel, and a couple days as a tourist in Seattle, this adventure took a lot of time, effort, and denarii.
Therefore, it became abundantly clear to fully execute this type of escapade, a co-laborer is a must. Because if I had to make these decisions on my own, I probably won’t have. Though I would be a hair richer, I would be much poorer in spirit because of the richness of the experience. So get friends who challenge you especially your cheapness. A frugal lifestyle is significant, but a frugal life with no purpose is straight up wasteful. Fast forward to the week of and the worst day for me, day one of four. An all too familiar insecurity took hold and this irrational feeling of being trapped. Not like physically trapped or confined because I was in one of the most beautiful places in North America, but a fear that distorts reality to your detriment. Like I was being put into a position to fail and was all alone in my efforts to combat it. It’s like a kid being dropped off at summer camp and homesickness hits, then you think, “only home can stop this feeling.”
Like I said, “outside of reality”.
This is why new experiences and persevering in those experiences are most valuable to our development specifically of character. It produces trust in decision making by saying, “I will see this through because my past self made this decision for my benefit, so I will trust his decision.” Also, it teaches us to voice struggles with those around us, which debunks or demystifies the fear leering over our shoulder.
However, this doesn’t happen without a fight. In my adult life, I have developed methods to address these insecurities, yet at times, I still choose to hide from them by avoiding them.
The arrival day was full of the professionals guiding us through expectations, the packing list, and justifiably holding our hand through every preparation for our climb. Unfortunately, my anxiety remained. I tried to break it down with all my tools of self-help, but nothing worked. In these moments, I cope by shutting down, and revert to old habits like being cheap or isolated.
Then my friend after dinner said, “lets go into the park” as in Mount Rainier National Park. A beautiful escape full of green, mountains, and streams with views most dream of beholding. The same place that gave John Muir these words, “Of all the fire mountains which like beacons, once blazed along the Pacific Coast, Mount Rainier is the noblest.”
However, I couldn’t move past this feeling of too much unknown. My fight or flight kicked in and my joy was lost as I couldn’t appreciate the scenery around me. I was not present. So the moment passed and we went back to the hotel and prepared for the next day. Right before, we went to bed my friend ask me how I was feeling about tomorrow and I told him what I was experiencing.
This brought relief, but fear still clung to me like a cape trying to suck me into the jet engine of a 747. Fear keeps you in the same place intending you to remain as the same person the rest of your life. One of the best pieces of advice I have gotten in moments when feeling stuck is “just do something”. Therefore, I kept going, and in this case, activity was a pretty powerful thing.
To Be Continued on Washington II…
